Document Text Content
What Others Are Saying About
The S&M Feminist
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"I wish we could make it so everyone buying a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey would also
buy Clarisse Thorn's The S&M Feminist."
~ A.V. Flox, editor of BlogHer's Love & Sex section
"Clarisse isn't afraid to talk about her own experiences with BDSM, relationships, and
sexual politics. But she's also not afraid to explore some of the issues around consent,
violence, and safety that a lot of the kink cheerleaders would like to sweep under the rug.
She brings a refreshing honesty to her writing that is often lacking. Add to that a deep
commitment to feminism and sex-positivity, and you have an amazing combination.
"The tension between kink and feminism is a tough one to hold onto and most people end
up firmly in one camp or the other. What makes Clarisse's writing phenomenal is her
steadfast refusal to avoid doing that. The clarity with which she discusses both sides
without resorting to caricatures or stereotypes is simultaneously inspiring and
challenging. If you're interested in either or both, I can't recommend her enough."
~ Charlie Glickman, educator at the classic feminist sex store Good Vibrations
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The S&M Feminist:
Best of Clarisse Thorn
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Clarisse Thorn
Smashwords Edition
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clarissethorn.com
@ClarisseThorn
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This ebook is copyright 2012 Clarisse Thorn. I certainly have mixed feelings about
modern copyright law... but I've put an enormous amount of time and effort into my
writing. So I ask you to please respect my time and effort, and observe copyright laws as
they apply to this ebook. If you would like to share this book with another person, please
purchase a new copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase
it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please purchase your own copy. Also,
check out the Electronic Frontier Foundation at [ http://eff.org ], a nonprofit that protects
free speech on the Internet and does lots of awesome work around copyright issues.
Cover image copyright 2002 Clarisse Thorn.
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Also check out Clarisse's awesome book
Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser!
* * *
There's a huge subculture of men who trade tips, tricks, and tactics for seducing women.
Clarisse Thorn, a feminist S&M writer and activist, spent years researching these guys.
She observed their discussions, watched them in action, and learned their strategies. By
the end, she'd given a lecture at a seduction convention. This is her story -- and her
theories about feminism and seduction to boot.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/144451
In paperback: https://www.createspace.com/3830583
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Notes, Acknowledgments and Resources
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I had a privileged upbringing. My education and safety nets are the biggest reasons I'm
able to do the work that I do, and I try not to forget that. I have been blessed with parents,
friends, and lovers who have supported me both emotionally and intellectually. Since this
is a "Best Of" my blog, I want to particularly acknowledge the commenters who have
contributed their perspective to my blog, and the other bloggers who have responded to
me and cross-posted my work. There are too many to name, but thank you all so much.
Special thanks to Brenda Errichiello, a guerrilla editor-for-hire. Brenda has been very
generous and helpful to me; errors and weirdness in this book should be blamed on me
and not her, because a lot of the time she tries to convince me to fix things and I refuse
out of writerly arrogance. If you need editing for your self-published ebook (and you do),
then you should totally contact her. Her website is [ http://www.bee-editing.com/ ].
I try to keep my writing as accessible as possible. One way I do that is by avoiding jargon
and by using terms that I think most people will recognize. I often write "S&M" instead
of "BDSM," for example; and when I'm using technical S&M language like "top" or
"bottom" or "scene," I try to define the words as I go along. But sometimes I slip into
jargon by accident. Also, plenty of S&M terms are super useful, and giving a quick
overview of S&M language can go a long way towards describing S&M culture. Hence, I
have included a Glossary at the end of this book. Many of the terms in the Glossary aren't
terms that I use in this book, but you might find it useful or interesting anyway. (I also
included a few terms that come from other subcultures, such as polyamory or queer
studies.)
I've received a lot of feedback over the years informing me that I'm the "gateway drug"
into feminism for some readers. That's kind of cool, but I want to make it clear that if
you're just now getting into feminism, there's lots of other stuff to learn before you draw
any conclusions. Feminism is a huge, varied, rich movement with lots of history, schisms,
and discontents. Also, in case it needs to be said, I'm not the only feminist who does
S&M. There are others, some of whom love my work and some of whom disagree with
me frequently.
One advantage of the blog format, as opposed to more traditional formats, is that each
post can contain tons of hyperlinks -- and each article has comment space, so there can be
fascinating discussions that explore each topic more deeply. (Of course, there can also be
silly, boring, or offensive discussions.) As soon as a blog becomes moderately successful,
it develops its own community of regular commenters, and mine is no exception.
Facilitating and moderating these discussions can be amazingly fun and interesting. It can
also be stressful and exhausting. As a commenter community evolves, it shapes how
other people read the blog's articles and comment on them; sometimes the community
will develop norms or tendencies that make certain people feel more comfortable -- or
less comfortable. I've tried to control this with my blog so that it's a welcoming
environment for most people, but I have such a diverse range of commenters that it's
sometimes quite difficult.
I bring all this up because, if you're intrigued by some of the articles you read in this
book, I encourage you to check out the original post. In this book, I've made a lot of
hyperlinks into footnotes, but not all of them. More importantly, if you look at the
original post, you can read the comments. But my commenter community has changed
over time. Sometimes it's more feminist, for example, and sometimes it's less feminist. So
just be aware, if you read the comments, that the range of opinions may not reflect any
group that would assemble elsewhere on the planet; that a different community might
produce really different comments; and that other articles might have really different
discussions.
You can buy this book in paperback form at CreateSpace:
https://www.createspace.com/3878670
If you've already read my incredibly awesome book Confessions of a Pickup Artist
Chaser, then thank you! (Bonus points if you can pick out all the parts of Confessions
that I pulled verbatim from articles included in this book.) If you haven't read
Confessions, then please check that out, too.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/144451
Paperback copies of Confessions: https://www.createspace.com/3830583
I powered this ebook almost entirely with my own strangely obsessive energy, so you can
blame me for any mistakes. If you find coding errors, broken internal links, or whatever,
then I invite you to email me and let me know so I can update the file! I'm available at
clarisse.thorn@gmail.com.
This is version 1.2 of The S&M Feminist. The resource list, glossary, and formatting
have all been updated.
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BDSM Resources
BDSM is a 6-for-4 deal of an acronym that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance,
Submission, Sadism, and/or Masochism. Some people call it S&M, B&D, leather, fetish,
or kink. BDSM can mean very different things to different people, and there are a lot of
activities that can fall under the BDSM umbrella; such activities might include spanking,
Master/slave role-playing, handcuffs, cages, rape fantasies, razor blades, or all kinds of
other things.
I mention a lot of resources in the articles that I've included in this book, but I wanted to
include an overview at the beginning, too.
Hands down, I believe that one of the most important resources within the BDSM
community is the Kink Aware Professionals list. If you are seeking medical, legal or
other professional help for a problem that is influenced by alternative sexuality, there is
probably someone on the list who can help you. When I was going through my own
complicated and difficult BDSM coming-out process, I tried two therapists from the KAP
list. One of them didn't really get me, but the second was wonderfully helpful -- so, if
you're looking for a therapist, don't be afraid to shop around until you find the right fit.
The list is here: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kapdirectory-homepage.html
Want more information on how BDSM interfaces with the psychiatric establishment?
I've compiled the research here: http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/05/07/thepsychology-of-sm/
Books
In 2012, the legendary educator Tristan Taormino released The Ultimate Guide To Kink:
BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, which is supposed to be amazing. I haven't read it
myself, though.
My personal favorite beginner BDSM books are The New Topping Book and The New
Bottoming Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. If you look for those books on
Amazon.com, you will also see a lot of interesting related books in the "Customers Who
Bought This Item Also Bought" section. I remember liking Jay Wiseman's SM101,
although I know some people who have mixed feelings about it; a number of people
recommend Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon,
but I've never read it myself.
If you're thinking of coming out to a loved one, I recommend the book When Someone
You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine W. Liszt. I've also heard good things
about the "Parents of Alternative Sexuality" pamphlet by Dr. Amy Marsh.
If you, like me, are particularly attracted to the idea of needle piercing, there's a great
book called Play Piercing by Deborah Addington.
If you're more interested in getting a feel for common BDSM philosophies and what the
BDSM community is like -- an anthropological perspective, one might say -- then there's
a book by Mark Thompson called Leatherfolk, and a newer one by Staci Newmahr called
Playing at the Edge.
Well-known feminist BDSM theory authors from the generation ahead of me include Pat
Califia and Gayle Rubin, who are both brilliant.
Online
I usually direct total newbies to this BDSM 101 page by Franklin Veaux:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
As it happens, the same writer has a good Polyamory 101, too: http://www.xeromag.com/
fvpoly.html
There are a lot of websites on BDSM, and they aren't all carefully edited or moderated; so
if you can manage it, then I suggest you try to get hold of one of the above how-to books.
That said... overall, one of the best online BDSM resources is FetLife.com, the kinky
social networking site. Once you have an account, you can join a huge variety of
discussion groups about BDSM. FetLife is not a dating site; it's more like a kinky
Facebook (seriously). I think that there are important problems with how FetLife is
structured. For example, there's no way to search for past topics, which is ridiculous; this
means that the research process for finding discussions is incredibly weird. The BDSM
activist maymay has written intelligently about many issues with FetLife:
http://maybemaimed.com/2011/03/20/fetlife-considered-harmful/
But the fact remains that FetLife is a huge gathering place.
Another good online resource is the amazing sex education site Scarleteen.com.
Scarleteen offers a ton of advice on a ton of sexual topics, and has its own message
boards.
The site KinkAcademy.com has received some good reviews, and features video tutorials
by some people who are pretty well-known in the community. You have to buy a
membership, though.
The BDSM writer Ranai from Germany has labored long and hard to make an amazingly
comprehensive, international, multilingual directory of kink resources. I haven't gone
through it extensively, but every time Ranai comments on my blog she's brilliant, so I'm
sure her directory is brilliant too. Here's the directory: http://ranai.wordpress.com/kinkresources/
There are so many BDSM blogs that I could never count them all. I want to direct special
attention to Kink Research Overviews, an abandoned but still excellent blog that profiles
the sparse and scattershot research on BDSM: http://kinkresearch.blogspot.com/2009/10/
welcome-to-kink-research.html
In 2012, Bitch Magazine ran a series called "Thinking Kink" by Catherine Scott, which
examines S&M and culture from a feminist perspective:
http://www.allthatchas.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/all-of-my-thinking-kink-posts-forbitch.html
In Person
If you've decided that you want to start attending workshops, discussion groups, parties,
or other BDSM events in person, please keep in mind that not everyone is going to mesh
well with their local BDSM groups. If you don't like your local BDSM group, then don't
force yourself to participate! That said, I generally encourage people to get into their
local community, because it truly can be an amazing resource -- it's way more than just a
place to meet partners.
If you make an account on FetLife, you may be able to join groups for your area (for
example, if you live in Chicago, then you should look for Chicago groups), where local
issues or events will be discussed and publicized.
For those aged 18-35, many major cities have branches of The Next Generation, a.k.a. the
local "kinky youth group."
Otherwise, just Google around. It's much easier these days than it was for our parents.
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This resource list can be found on the Internet at:
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/bdsm-resources/
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Table of Contents
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Here's a link to go back to The Very Beginning.
And here's a link to the Glossary.
Throughout this book, footnotes will look like links in the text. Click the link to go to the
footnote. At the end of each footnote I've included a backlink to the context you came
from.
I write both personal narratives and cultural analysis. Almost all my writing mixes the
two, but most of my pieces incline more towards one than the other. Accordingly, I've
tagged all the articles in this book as either [storytime] or [theory].
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SECTION 1:
The Basics
In which we explore the foundations of S&M, feminism, and sex-positive feminism.
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S&M [storytime]: Love Bites: An S&M Coming-Out Story
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Education [theory]: Liberal, Sex-Positive Sex Education: What's Missing
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Communication [theory]: Sex Communication Tactic Derived From S&M: The
Annotated Safeword
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Communication [theory]: Sex Communication Tactic Derived From S&M: Checklists
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Communication [theory]: Sex Communication Tactic Derived From S&M: Journal-
Keeping
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Communication [storytime]: Sex Communication Case Studies
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Feminism [theory]: Towards My Personal Sex-Positive Feminist 101
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S&M [theory]: S&M Superpowers
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S&M [theory]: BDSM Can Be "Love Sex" Too
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S&M [theory]: Body Chemistry and S&M
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S&M [theory]: Going Under
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Orgasmic "Dysfunction" [storytime]: A Unified Theory of Orgasm
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Boundaries [storytime]: I'm Not Your Sex-Crazy Nympho Dreamgirl
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Boundaries [storytime]: Orgasms Aren't My Favorite Part of Sex, and My Chastity Urge
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Boundaries [theory]: Anger, Fear and Pain
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Evolution [theory]: Sexual Openness: Two Ways To Encourage It
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Relationships [storytime]: Fear, Loathing and S&M Sluthood in San Francisco
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S&M [theory]: BDSM As A Sexual Orientation, and Complications of the Orientation
Model
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S&M [theory]: BDSM "versus" Sex
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S&M [theory]: BDSM Roles, "Topping From The Bottom," and "Service Top"
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Feminism [theory]: "Inherent Female Submission": The Wrong Question
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Manliness [theory]: Fifty Shades of Grey, Fight Club, and the Complications of Male
Dominance
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Abuse [theory]: The Alt Sex Anti-Abuse Dream Team
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Section 1 Study Guide
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SECTION 2:
Activism and Allies
In which we explore activism and other topics tangentially related to S&M feminism --
from sex work, to community organizing, to the nature of masculinity.
* * *
Activism [theory]: Grassroots Organizing For Feminism, S&M, HIV, and Everything
Else
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Activism [storytime]: Interview with Richard Berkowitz, Star of Sex Positive and Icon of
Safer Sex Activism
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Abuse [theory]: Social Responsibility Within Activism
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Boundaries [storytime]: Taking Care Of Each Other
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Manliness [theory]: Questions I Want To Ask Entitled Cis Het Men
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Education [theory]: Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 1: Abstinence
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Education [theory]: Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 2: Be Faithful
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Education [theory]: Sexual ABCs in Africa, Part 3: Condoms
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Activism [theory]: Colonized Libidos
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Vegan [theory]: Confections of a Pickup Artist Chaser
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Polyamory [theory]: In Praise of Monogamy
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Polyamory [theory]: My Top Questions About Dealing With Multiple Lovers
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Sex Work [storytime]: One Blurred Edge of Sex Work: Portrait of a Sugar Baby
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Sex Work [theory]: A Sugar Baby Leaves The Business
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Section 2 Study Guide
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SECTION 3:
Making It Complicated
In which we really get into it.
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Relationships [storytime]: Chemistry
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S&M [theory]: Start From A Position of Strength
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S&M [storytime]: Predicament Bondage
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Relationships [theory]: Relationship Tools: Monogamy, Polyamory, Competition, and
Jealousy
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Evolution [storytime]: You Don't Always Know What You're Thinking
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Abuse [theory]: Thinking More Clearly About BDSM versus Abuse
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Communication [theory]: What Happens After An S&M Encounter "Gone Wrong"
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S&M [theory]: Aftercare or Brainwashing?
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Communication [theory]: Feminist S&M Lessons From the Seduction Community
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S&M [storytime]: The Strange Binary of Dominance and Submission
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Feminism [storytime]: My Mom's Rape Story, and A Confused Relationship with
Feminism
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Section 3 Study Guide
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About The Author
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Clarisse's Lectures, Workshops and Events
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Footnotes
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Glossary
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* * *
SECTION 1:
The Basics
In which we explore the foundations of S&M, feminism, and sex-positive feminism.
* * *
When I think of this section, I think of:
If you're afraid of pain, you have to find out what pain is.
~ Marina Abramovic
I'd like to thank all the brave pioneers of the BDSM community, for exploring the reaches
of human sexuality, and coming back with maps.
~ an unsourced quotation offered by one of my blog commenters
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S&M:
[storytime] Love Bites: An S&M Coming-Out Story
The events of this story took place between 2005-2008; I wrote it in fits and starts over
the span of 2006-2008. I started blogging as Clarisse Thorn in 2008, but my coming-out
story wasn't published until early 2010, when Time Out Chicago picked it up. I look over
this piece today, in 2012, and I think about what I would have written differently if I'd
had the hyper-focused feminist sex educator instincts that I have now. I would have
written differently about consent, and I would have written differently about the
communication that happened with my partners about my consent. I would have talked
about how the S&M subculture isn't always welcoming for everybody, though it feels
welcoming for me. Plus, I'm no longer practicing monogamy; I'm polyamorous these
days.
But at the time, my goal was to do two things: (1) write out how S&M stigma felt for me,
as a young feminist, and to talk about how I was overcoming it. And (2) show that
sometimes a partner just isn't good for you, even if he has a quality that you really really
want -- and you can always walk away.
* * *
Love Bites: An S&M Coming-Out Story
I was very drunk. My perceptions had a frame-by-frame quality, and the evening didn't
seem immediate: pieces of it were foreign, disconnected as a dream. I was being bitten
very hard on the arm. It would leave marks the next day.
I was so muddled by assorted things that even now I can't sort out how I felt at that
moment. When Richard's nails scored my skin I gasped, but I didn't ask him to stop. I
flinched away, but he kept a firm grip on me. "Beg for mercy," he said softly.
Frame. Skip. I discovered that a mutual friend of ours had seen us, stopped, and was
sitting on the grass across from Richard. "Hey," he said. "You shouldn't do that."
"It's okay," Richard said, "she likes it," and pulled my hair hard enough to force me to
bow my head. I do? I managed to think, before thought vanished back into the blur of
alcohol and pain. Our friend's face loomed over me, concern sketched vividly on his
features.
I closed my eyes.
"Mercy," I whispered.
* * *
Later, Richard reminded me of something I said that night: "I wish I'd met you years
ago." Thinking hard, I could only recall the evening in broad strokes. We'd gotten drunk
at an outdoor party; he'd hurt me a bit; I'd said that; and then I'd staggered off to help
clean up.
"A lot of crap comes out when you do this stuff," he now said. A few weeks had passed. I
was lying on my stomach across the foot of his bed. Sitting perpendicular to me, he
leaned back and propped his feet on the small of my back. Thin and pale, he tended to
wear black, and had intense dark eyes. It was summer in 2005. I was twenty years old.
He'd asked me why I wanted to be hurt. I couldn't work out an answer -- wasn't certain
the question was valid -- so I asked him why he liked to hurt people. He'd half-laughed,
with a tone that I couldn't evaluate. Ruefully? "That's a long, dark road," he'd said.
"How do you know?" I asked, irritated by his presumption, nervously curious. I wasn't
sure I was what he thought I was -- wasn't sure what had been going on that night,
beyond alcohol dulling my reactions and feelings. But I knew I hadn't been abused or
violated. I hadn't asked him to stop, and I wanted to figure out why. "How did you know
about me?"
"I can tell," he said, and grinned. "With you, it was obvious." He paused, added quietly,
"You were begging for it."
A couple of hours later, we remained fully clothed, my face was buried in his pillow, and
I was crying. He'd pinned me down so I couldn't move, and was raking his nails across
what was exposed of my tank-topped back. When Richard first spotted the tears, he'd
asked if I wanted a break. I'd said that it was okay, that he should continue, that I was
fine.
I felt myself fragmenting, desperation and terror and pain pouring through me in an
unbearable, necessary torrent. I told myself over and over that it didn't hurt that much, but
I couldn't stop myself from tensing, crying out. After a while, I found myself saying,
"No."
I felt him check himself, shifting his weight from my back. "Can we clarify something?"
he asked gently. "Do you really want me to stop when you say no?"
No, I realized, I don't, and something vital in my psyche seemed to snap. The tears
overwhelmed me. I couldn't get an answer out through my sobs, but even if I could have,
I haven't the faintest idea what I might have said.
"We should take a break," he decided, and moved away. I'll never forget the relief -- and
desolation -- I felt as he did.
* * *
It was a long time later that I remembered: I had met someone like Richard, years before.
It had been in spring 2003; the guy was thin and pale, dressing mainly in black. I hadn't
once thought of him in a romantic light.
I'd counted him a friend, but had only been alone with him once. We were in his living
room, seated next to each other on dun-colored carpet. I couldn't recall how it started --
we'd been sitting playing video games? had he tickled me as I shouted invective at the
screen? -- but it ended with him holding my wrists, me lying back on the floor and
wondering how to get him off me.
I'd thought he might kiss me, so I turned my head away. Instead, he bit my neck. "No," I
said aloud, more in startlement than anything else, and he gave me a searching look -- as
if he wasn't sure I was serious. "Please let me up," I said, and he asked, "Why?"
I didn't feel panicked, but strangely at a loss: he didn't seem to take my objection
seriously. Yet he wasn't particularly threatening me, and I wasn't afraid. I explained that I
was in a committed, monogamous relationship I didn't want to disrupt; I carefully didn't
react when he bit me again, although it hurt.
I didn't say I wasn't getting anything out of my powerlessness or his apparent desire to
hurt me, that it left me cold. Maybe I wasn't sure it would register: he hadn't appeared to
believe me when I first told him to let me up. And maybe something in me agreed that
such a response was incorrect.
Eventually, I got away. Stupidly, confused, I mentioned the incident to my boyfriend. Of
course he was furious; I had to calm him. For my part, it hadn't occurred to me to be mad.
That didn't feel as bizarre as it sounds -- on some level, I felt that the whole incident was
reasonable, even if it hadn't turned out to be what I wanted.
Not then. Not with him.
* * *
After I cried my heart out in his bed, Richard was very kind. He brought me a glass of
water and listened as I said a lot of bewildered things. When I finally ran down, it was
late; he invited me to sleep over, but didn't put the moves on me. The next morning, he
told me he had work to do. Straightforwardly, I asked when I could see him again. He
smiled, said to email him, that we'd work something out.
The next few days -- weeks -- time, I don't know; however long it was, it felt like being
put through a shredder. I couldn't think about anything but that night and how, through
my turmoil and tears, I'd found a kind of exultation. I had been sober, prepared and clearheaded.
I couldn't find a way around the brutal, uncompromising revelation that
apparently, I wanted nothing more than to be subordinated, used, hurt. I actually wanted
to be a victim.
I wanted to talk to someone, but wasn't sure how to frame my words. I was positive it
would help to talk to Richard, but he was busy, and busy, and busy. I had a number of
friends who I suspected were into hardcore BDSM; I could have called any of them. But
it was one thing to be fine with other people doing it, and quite another to discover such a
desire in myself. In another situation, I would have thoroughly deconstructed my obvious
double standard -- but just then, it was a minor irrationality on top of one big chunk of
insanity.
I considered asking my loving, liberal parents for advice and tried to imagine how it
would go.
Mom. Dad. I love you, and I'm so sorry. I know you've tried to give me an independent,
rational, feminist outlook, as well as self-esteem and integrity. Sadly, none of this
appears to have taken; I guess I'm a broken mockery of everything you tried to instill. I
don't want you to worry, or blame yourselves, but have you any advice on where to go
from here?
No.
* * *
My mental images of that summer are hazy with remembered anger. As Richard
remained occupied, I felt fury building within my fascination. I'm sure I felt like the
classical woman spurned: he was nice enough when he ran into me and told me he was
there to talk if I needed it, but the evidence contradicted his words. For weeks after that
night, if I tried to see him he didn't have time.
It didn't help that he reacted very badly when I went after him aggressively -- too
aggressively, I knew, but couldn't help it -- and told him honestly how vulnerable I was.
He backed off fast, leaving me more confused than ever. (Though not too confused to
think: How stereotypical.)
It went beyond being a woman spurned, though. Especially since I believed,